My life is perfect

( btw j’ai tt écrit en anglais prcq j’arrive mieux a m’exprimer comme ça et Google traduction me fait l’aire d’un bot )
T pas obligé de lire j’avais juste besoin d’un endroit pour parler. Idgaf si qqun lis ou pas.

Hi
Idk y I’m posting this just felt like putting my thoughts into words and have someone hear me.
I wish things could be perfect again. I used to have moments where I thought about where I was in life and things couldn’t feel more perfect. I want to feel like that again so badly. At times I feel like the only way that I’ll get there is by doing something dumb without caring about the consequences. I want to pack my bags withdraw all the cash from my account get on my bike and run away. I want to get blasted before classe one day and beat the living shit out of someone for the fun of it. I want to go out into the world and find someone who understands me. I could name so much more shit that I’d wanna do but the ciao mods are probably gonna ban whatever I say.
I feel so trapped and lonely in my own small world with nobody who gets me.
I just want to escape.
Being stuck with only myself is fun don’t get me wrong, I love crushing and snorting random pills every few days hoping I’ll feel something, I love thinking about killing and mutilating the people around me whenever I’m bored in class and I love checking my phone every 30 minutes hoping someone replied to my discussion/ comment on this forum. But people barely reply and that life is lonely as fuck.
End of the day idk what to do.
Live my life to the fullest and do whatever the fuck makes me happy while pushing away my friends family and basically throwing away my life or should I stay trapped in the system follow school get good grades and hope it all pays off in the long run?
Nobody gives a fuck about me. Nobody cares enough to ask how I’m doing. Everyone’s fake in my world. I’m always looking out for the people around me but who the fuck sticks their neck out for me?
Only thing keeping me intact right now is my parents. If I weren’t scared about disappointing them by now I would probably be incarcerated for rape, murder and arson.
That or I would’ve fled to France or England to start a new life and hopefully make a real human connection.
Idk how to end this rant 😅
Shout out to you if you were able to read this.
Bye ig ✌